Is it an obligation to be rightful of someone else's life bound by restrictions and fear because of what is retained as fidelity to your partner? Or do we just have to face the fact that if a person is with us it doesn't guarantee that you own them so they still have the basic freedom to be who they wanna be or with whom they want to be. I think that is my fear and so does everyone's fear. The fear of being left behind.
I want to give justification to this. We fear lost or death like we fear rejection or being hated. I have come to a point in my life where I am proud to say that everyone can speak freely of what they think of me. I must admit that it hurts knowing that someone is against you or doesn't like you and it may take awhile in order to grasp the idea that you can't please anybody. Growing up, I must say that I have put it on my mind that I don't want any praises from other people but at the same time, I don't want people to put me down. I just want some attention when i know that I am entitled to that attention specifically, for example, being commended on the task that I was able to finish or being awarded for an outstanding contribution as simple as that.
In connection, feelings of affection is the same with feelings of being recognized. Feelings of freedom. I don't want to need someone. I don't want someone to be lured to me. I have this tendency when I have already hypnotized (hypnotized?) someone into my world, when I have let them be trapped into me and when I feel that they've loved me so much, I have the tendency to let them go. Is it bad? Yes. I am aware of that but then I don't want them to worship me I just want them to finally realize that they liked me a lot and I want them to love themselves as well. I don't want them to worship me and their world to revolve in me but I want them to simply embrace the idea that I am enough for them to survive but then life goes on.
Now this gives to a point where I am in the middle of my life and I am subjected to choose whether I want to be alone or to be with someone. This is the part of my life where I have to make certain decisions as this would determine my future. But at the back of my mind, what if I wanted it like this, just the way it should be. Should I pursue waiting for the man that let me go in the first place? Or should I act on my impulse and go and ask myself if he still has feelings for me. Well, I have made my decisions before and I have given ample time for that and finally I will stick with it. Two people can't be together if they don't meet halfway and during that time one thing was certain - we didn't meet halfway.
So, the question is, when I will feel the need of having someone? I don't know. I guess I am still in the purgatory (hanging around) like the souls with unfinished business accounted to myself. When I finally see the man who would be able to put up with my needs, he would be able to balance me and his life then I think I would cling to that man but before that I am still a wanderer, searching for the very meaning of my existence until I feel tired.
